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31 / Mar / 2024
I'm back from my trip! Although it was my plan/ what I wanted
that's not what I'm writing about today.
There has been one major character development event in my life
this week, 'fuckin ur head pretty badly' type of, so I'm
currently unable to do what I was planning to bring, unable to
do anything at all lmao.
and it is kinda funny. I think, from what I've seen, that my way of coping is off the curve. I'm able to see it from different perspectives, so observing my condition and thinking ab it helps me in a way, as I can detach from my current reality, and my love/interest for the human behavior and mind actually helps a lot.
most of times I would have issues with anxiety but nothing unbearable, I could just relax by playing games or making myself busy and it would "go away". The way I see it, my problems disturb me during a certain time limit. When I can speed up or skip it, I'm able to solve it wayyy smoother, if they don't just disappear.
in the end, I think that if the issue is not something u can control/confront/handle/solve, there's nothing else to do than to escape reality. I'm not the best w analogies, but say it's grief from a loved one, it's an emotion, involuntary, incontrollable. U need to feel it for the entirety of it to start healing, and some ppl ignore it, just postponing the problem. Yes ppl handle differently, but that's my point, escaping reality can help u and without it ppl would go mad, the word has been kinda distorted like 'manipulation' or 'drug', but when u go through a exhaustive day and need to rewind, u escape reality, be it hanging w friends, playing, in worst cases drinking, etc. U don't forget, but put aside the problems and kinda restart ur mind. So u gotta learn how to do escapism, and in a healthy way.
I consider myself a master of the escapism art, not that I do it all the time, I actually enjoy being in challenging situations, but the mind can only take so much, and for some reason, or combination of situations, that I have conscience what they are, this time was wayyy off. I don't really know what a panic attack is and from what I read I don't think it's the case. From my experience, there's anxiety, u get it through the day like everybody does, something worries u but 10min it's over. There's anxiety where u feel ur heart beating, u're confessing ur love or regret something deeply, it doesn't go away until u talk it out. And there's this one where I'm at, heart beats so hard it hurts and u feel ur whole body, it's somewhat annoying as I get bad headaches or can't sleep bc of it. Talking it out to the person I needed reduced the frequency, but the problem still is what I wake up and go to sleep thinking of. Maybe I was wrong ab all the times I thought I was going through grief and this is the real deal and I'm saying loads of nonsense now, but where's the fun and instigation in that assumption?
Disclaimer: I'm talking my mind, don't take this as a
professional advice. from all the methods of escape I know,
don't think I'm able to talk ab some of them here nor would I,
as some can be very personal to the individual or
disturbing/harmful, but there's one that is perfect in all the
aspects I consider for good ones. Is it healthy? Is it easy?
Does it disturb something crucial?
Music, for me, fairly easy, healthy if not too loud + too long,
but it fails in disturbing the necessity of crying sometimes, as
u can kinda close ur eyes to the problem.
Drinking,
addictive, costs money, does not make any progress to the
problem at all, it's a last resort, big no no.
And then
there's Sleeping, this is just the apex predator to unsolvable
problems, essential for life, do it anywhere, and u work w ur
subconscient to solve the issue. Of course u can't sleep ur
whole life away, but the free time u would be anguishing is now
filled w a time skipper/problem solver.
Writing often helps too, poems or just a conversations w myself.
but that's it, I'll be placing my trip photos up soon and talking ab them, gotta edit them first and finish the .html. I'll figure a way to organize these journal and create a folder system.
Nina, I don't think you'll ever read this but I finally put ur poem up like i said I would, it's hidden in another part of the website for when I deleted this .txt but i'll link it here for u meanwhile